I just returned from a visit to my place of birth. It was good in that I made it there and back safely (a 13 hour drive). It was also good in that I was able to see the majority of people that I wanted to see. It was emotionally trying though in that I maintain the mental stance that I am not in love with my home-town. From that point of view comes all sorts of internal strife that I must constantly resolve, but the resolution is always impermanent. However, this trip was different in that I realized that I contain, within self, the wherewithal to relinquish those feelings of dread that weave their way into musings about my home-town. By embracing those feelings, by holding those things about those visits that are dear (to me), I can arrive at a higher state of fulfillment.
I plan these trips with the idea that I will not be spending much time in the town (city). I inform one or two people beforehand that I am going to blow through. Usually, I am at the mercy of public transport; I drove up this time, whew!!! It was touch and go seeing the individuals with whom I made contact. As many of them did not know that I planned to visit, the results of my impromptu appearance turned out surprisingly well. I have been prone to plan these flash visits because I have yet to resolve those issues from my past that I regularly invoke. Happy to see them, yes. Working to fit them all in, yes. Feeling hurried . . . not so much. I like to do things on my own terms. But I could do more to make these trips more mutually edifying.
I typically make light of these trips. I internally scoff at the notion of obligatory sojourns to a place for which I hold minimal regard. Yet, there is the sense of a trout returning to the stream which gave it life when I make these same trips. I do have reasons to visit my home-town. I have friends and family that reside there still. I would admit to no one that a deep sense of nostalgia runs through my being when I am in my home town. The friends that I have there brought me into the full force of this nostalgia during this recent visit. The interest of my friends and family to spend more time with me was foisted upon my being. It was this, coupled with the desire(?) to see a few more people, that brought me to the realization that I do not return to my home-town for my home-town. No!! I return to my home-town for the people that I want to visit.
S.o then, my demons / daemons can be assuaged only by my willingness to ‘be in my home-town’. Moreover, I must make the effort to not verbalize my ‘intense dislike’ for said place. I must soften that stance by embracing the elements of my home-town towards which I am drawn, from which I derive satisfaction. When, in that town, I must, in effect, go to the mirror and express gratitude for being able to experience those measures of goodness for which I am grateful; both when in my home-town and elsewhere. The issues that are presented to us are but opportunities to be utilized for our own benefit, our own growth. Being able to see them as such is the challenge. Each resolved issue, each surmounted difficulty is another layer to the truer self that is broken through, more karma that becomes softer.